lions and tigers... and tankers?

Saw the original of this a couple of years ago, but the newer one make me laugh until I was nearly sick. Which for me isn't much, but still.

Watch this, let that sink in, and then watch this.

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watchmen delayed?

"And I'll look down, and whisper 'no.'" (Please, no!)

an open memo to andy burnham

In the spirit of the previous James Purnell-related rant, but maybe with a cause readers can really get behind:

Dear Mr Burnham,

You are a moron for thinking age ratings on the internet are actually an option.

I'm not even going to start on the huge number of reasons why; but I shall pick this (kinder) one (and then make it crudely): I was a teenager not very long ago. Like all teenage boys, (sorry girls, even the nice ones) I surfed for free porn. When confronted with a time-wasting screen with "You must be over 18 to view this site", I OF COURSE, without HESITATING, always clicked the the one that would redirect me to Google rather than showing me the moneyshot.

Do you think underage boys stumble on porn accidentally? Do you think they are surfing for free, legal, DRM-compatible tunes to they can go bopping with their mates, drinking fanta orange and laughing at age-appropriate comedy before their ten p.m. bed-time? Of course you don't. And if you do, why did you even get elected?

The saddest thing is, which particular constituents do you believe will actually agree with your proposals, other than those who know as little about the issues involved as you do?

The most preposterous part of the whole affair is that age ratings would probably make it even easier to find exactly what boys are looking for. Heck, maybe new, underrated porn will even be uncovered that was previously missed because it was so far down the google scale.

But don't take my condemnation of your OAP-pandering as a one-off. Here's many, many pages of similar comments compiled by the crazy, leftist, liberal wackos of the British Broadcasting Corporation...

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mind your language

As I await the Christmas offerings, shiny new socks in hand (or on foot), I spotted Mr Linehan had picked up on this story about Frank Skinner's current experiment, which was also mentioned on Have I Got News For You last night in passing. When it comes to swearing as a Christian, I see people falling in to one of three camps: firmly, and somewhat justifiably, completely against; only occasionally, in the secure comfort of other Christian friends when they feel they can actually be themselves; or to hell with it.

I guess most of the time I can fall in to any of these categories to be honest, but when it comes to swearing in comedy, the waters are murkier still. A recent debate with a certain oversized vidiot has surrounded this. Most of the time, I think swearing is unnecessary; but every now and again, it can be a glorious drop-in of the English language for some comedy. I have very little time, however, for those who use it to take half-assed jokes and make them appealing or funny purely by adding the edge of copious swearing - see the output of many of Channel 4's favourites.

Hence I will always point to Linehan & Co's output over the last few years. Ted, Black Books, The I.T. Crowd and even material from the likes of Big Train have repeatedly given us some of the most side-splitting comedy possible, and what's more, for the most part it has been completely inoffensive. As much as this is tribute to writers' talent, it also goes to show that each of these shows had the skill to be funny without having to fall back on shock value. Of course, on occasion a well-placed bit of cursing has resulted in fantastic humour, but a lot of the reasoning behind this is because of the unexpected nature.

[And no, Father Jack's "swearing" doesn't count here folks...]

So I'm not congratulating Graham Linehan, Frank Skinner and others so much on purely faith-based reasoning (as they would probably be relieved to hear!) but also because in "cleaning up" their acts, they've discovered that even better humour can be produced in more original and novel ways. Huzzah!

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emigrating

Been cleaning up and working with family footage (filmed by my late grandfather) for a few weeks, but only actually hacked some together in a mad dash today. The results are below: specific stuff relating to my great-uncle Tom, who emigrated to New Zealand in the '60s. Out of context it'll mean nothing to anyone, but that's not the point.



And yes, I've pillaged their music again. I only ever did it to wind Lynnette up...

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no one likes red monsters

Ah, good times... courtesy of Quickstop Entertainment

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(no more) sport on five

Whenever I used to work in one particular fine hotel establishment, I would often find myself coming home in the wee small hours, all a-buzz and unable to sleep. At such times, Five's North American Sport coverage became a close friend, and as well as contributing to my hockey interest, MLB also became a minor obsession for a little while. It's a bit sad then today that it's official: five are cutting costs by dropping all the coverage, bar a few remaining NFL and NBA games. There's a petition to save it, but it's a bit pointless really.

Still... there's always consolation to be found in the House of Trouser's rolling NHL '06 championship series...

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vox populi vox deus

A lot of broo-hah-hah this morning about the Archbishop of Canterbury admitting there are bigger problems in the world than Anglican disestablishment. As someone who was brought up in a disestablished Anglican church, and yet still has time for what Dr. Williams has to say, I would tend to agree. Nah, I'm instead going to make a fuss over Rowan's choice of targets for some tenuous linkage:

The archbishop also [...] appears to compare himself to Josiah Bartlett, the fictional president played by Martin Sheen in the West Wing. He says: "It's so consoling to watch those episodes when something goes terribly wrong - you know the president says something that is misinterpreted ... and you think, 'Now what does that remind me of'?"

For shame, Rowan. Taking the Bartlet's name in vain. The journalist's typo shows his own ignorance, but Guardian readers united are going to be descending on you like a ton of bricks...

exporting 16:9 from final cut pro

...has often been a pain in the arse. I am lazy, and so must confess I cannot really do much with DVD Studio at any great speed. This being so, I usually utilise iDVD to bang out quick product. However, a recurring problem is this: upon exporting a lovely anamorphic self-contained Quicktime movie, and importing it as such into a 16:9 build in iDVD, everything goes well until you play the film and it comes out at a crunched, pillarboxed 4:3. I have fixed this many times, and forgotten it again as many. So this time I'm blogging about it, as much for my own information as anyone else's.

According to Apple Support, the information that FCP 'speaks' whenever a 4:3 movie is actually an anamorphic 16:9 is not the same as that which Quicktime and iDVD will recognise. What is required is a quick couple of clicks in Quicktime Pro (bundled with FCP and FCP Studio products) to translate, as such.

Choose Window > Show Movie Properties.

In the Properties window, click Video Track in the Name column.

Click the Visual Settings button.

Deselect the checkbox for Preserve Aspect Ratio.

Change the Scaled Size:
For NTSC, enter 853 x 480.
For PAL, enter 1024 x 576.

Now the movie should be displayed at a 16:9 aspect ratio.

Choose File > Save to save the movie.

And you're done.

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holidays are coming - apparently

This particular curiosity has appeared at the bus stop at the top of our street - and therefore, I would guess, is popping up all over the Big Smoke. Enable bluetooth on your mobile device of choice and instantly you will find yourself invited to download a certain Christmas-monopolising megabrand's instantly recognisable jingle (sic). I've heard about people using this tool before - namely the police and the city council, actually - but it's the first time I've seen it used for purely commercial purposes.

Thinking of starting a pool on how soon it gets smashed to pieces, but on second thoughts the spides around here probably think it's incredible...

an open (informal) letter to james purnell

You sir, are an idiot. Let me testify as to why.

I finished my teaching postgraduate stuff in July (effectively) but began applying for work long before. Now, I had already decided I did not want to follow the teaching career, but to aim for youth work (not as simple a transition in terms of qualifications as you might imagine) and to also fall back a bit on my original undergraduate stuff - filmmaking. Wary of how this could cost me in the work place, I therefore actively started looking around more or less from the start of the year, having my first interview at Easter.

I have now been claiming Jobseeker's Allowance (JSA) for five months. I don't claim Housing or any other benefits (though I really should as it's a constant struggle for rent and other overheads.) You reckon that this means I'm not trying hard enough to get back to work. I've been accused of this before, but I take particularly offence this time because this is from a guy who was born in the City of London, whose summer job was working for Tony Blair, and who has almost certainly never needed for anything in his entire life.

I have found myself in a middle-class trap, illustrated by feedback I have received. I'm told I'm too overqualified to work for a minimum wage post (having applied for shopwork, B&Q, a pizza parlour, etc.) because it's obvious I'll leave at the drop of a hat; which would be fine, but I keep getting all these interviews for 'proper' jobs, but no end product.

Oh but don't the Job Centre give me help? Ha. I go in, I hand in my form recording my weekly efforts (which I could write more or less anything on) someone grunts at me and hands me something to sign. That's it. That's all you need to do to get free money in this country. Actually that's not strictly true - my last review interview in Belfast was conducted by a thoroughly lovely young woman who actually took an interest. I nearly died of shock. Someone should make her a manager.

How much? Sorry, yes. £47.50. Ever tried living on less that £50 a week? Try it sometime.

I don't tell my sob story for pity - it's my hole, and I'll get out of it eventually. But please James, bear in mind that for every few wasters, fraudsters and liars that hang around sitting on their tod all day, there's a rapidly-growing group of young and old professionals who struggle from week to week, and your system has completely failed them. The problem isn't us, it's you. Or rather, the people who work for you. If you're going to "help", then actually be of some assistance and justify your existence. Otherwise, just sign off the damn form and let me get back to my extra-value cheese.

SM:FM - the mad half hour

A new internet radio show which I had the minimal possible input into the production of goes live tonight. Streaming from 9pm GMT, the good folks at Summer Madness, Ireland's largest Christian festival have produced a new magazine show, tentatively entitled The Mad Half Hour (though it's probably more like 45 with the songs included.) As well as streaming tonight and tomorrow night, the entire show sans tunes (copyright issues, obviously) will be available for download from the website as well. I haven't heard the assembled product yet, but it should be good whether you're local or not.

Click here to listen or download the podcast.

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blocked up

Had sketch idea. Laughed for a prolonged period of time. Been trying to come up with a single line of monologue for quite some time now. I'm not someone often stricken with writer's block, but it seems to be happening.

Right now.

x factor 2008: first single to be "hallelujah"?

Having watch ITV's X Factor for the first time last week, and being suitable appalled, I couldn't resist going to the website today to find out what had happened on last night's show. Was tempted by this particular video diary, where all four remaining artists film the promo for the first single - regardless of who the winner is, the song will be the same. But what is it? About a minute in, the clapperboard reveals that it's called Hallelujah. And yes. It's the Leonard Cohen song, made famous in our time by numerous covers, I will cry. I will. I will actually die a little inside, along with taste, dignity and everyone with a brain. And of course, it will be Christmas number one by a landslide.



This story leaked in rumour form a couple of days ago, but it seems that this clip is the first real comfirmation.

[Now I know what you're thinking... first he says he likes Katy Perry (see below) and now he admits to watching X Factor... no, it really is me. It's been that kind of weekend...]

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hot and cold

From a strictly musical standpoint... I'm kind of glad she went for the image change...

...ok, and I downloaded One Of The Boys. The only type of comment I can make that won't see me laughed out of the room is that like many debut albums (where the collection of songs is often a canon covering an artist's entire formative years, see everyone from Duke Special to Avril Lavigne) the range of topics and styles is huge. And (in particular, like Mrs. Lavigne-Webley) it's not surprising that album tracks are completely unexpected. Katy Perry has a load of songs that have been in the background of glossy teen TV shows for years, and you know what? They're not bad - in fact they're probably top class for that particular genre of nail-chewingly-bad, Kelly-Clarkson-esque drivel. Moreover, there's a couple of very clever lyrics and language/wordplay tricks that maybe justify a second listen.

Right *cough* time to stop digging and get back to proper music...

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scarred?

Working on and off on a project for my father, digitally restoring and cutting 8mm footage my paternal grandfather took of the family over several years in the sixties and early seventies. It's very healthy nostalgia, and I find it quite fascinating at times; however, an unfortunate pause during some beach footage earlier confronted me with the appalling sights of my own father's rotundal arse.


Chilling.

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viva la vida, or satch and all his riffs

Interesting sidebar on the BBC's Entertainment News today. Guitar hero Joe Satriani is suing Coldplay for plagiarism. Satch reckons that the verse melody from title track Viva La Vida sounds uncannily like one of the movements in his 2004 track If I Could Fly (kicks in about 0:55 into the track). This YouTuber has mashed samples from the two for easier comparison.

Thing is, would Chris and the lads really be that daft? If you're going to rip someone off, why do it with someone who's sold as many records as Satch? Would they not be smart enough to realise someone might catch on?

Whenever I was still writing with MNC, I once discovered I'd plagiarised a Hoobastank song I'd heard maybe only once or twice before, but genuinely hadn't realised that that was where I'd lifted a vocal melody from. We never played the song live, but even if we had I doubt Island Records would have been knocking on my door for compensation...

...let's face it, plagiarism is everywhere.

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who's on first

Tom Jeter was right about this one... Abbott & Costello invented a joke device that has been utlised countless times, and is instantly recognisable; but they do it very, very well.



While we're on comedy... this one made me weep a little.



Good times.

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idiocy

Played here once (Aside: I reckon I'm the 75th visitor to that website in about ten years. I'm guessing from the age of certain people in the pictures!) They were launching their first youth service at the weekend, so maybe the spiritual backlash for that is that stones were literally thrown. I don't get irked at church vandalism because it's targeting the building - for they are only building, remember - but actually more that what's usually destroyed is:

(a) memorials
(b) art
(c) painstakingly and lovingly created work.

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arranging

This is a great explanation of a problem faced by all true film fanatics - something I tried to articulate to a cruel audience (well, Ruth) a couple of weeks ago.

For the record, I adopted a system from my cousin, who at the time had such a large library it took up wall-to-wall shelves and most of the floor too. Studio, then year. Although this does still split up vanilla discs of trilogies, for example (the Dollars trilogy in my case) in the case of boxsets (The Godfather, Indy, BTTF) they are filed by the year of the initial release. This also (usually) guarantees most works within a director's canon will be within touching distance (e.g. Kevin Smith's Mirimax years) and also, thanks to the one-dimensional nature of the modern studio system, works are usually also in loose genre.

Thoughts? Feelings?

approaching

Welcome to Advent. Was just flicking through a few updates and spotted that Mars Hill are running an MHBC Advent Blog, contributed to by local artists and thinking sorts. It's an idea I saw run a few times - for advent and lent - by Neal, and is a really great way to get digestible thought on a daily basis.

Also happy World Aids Day and a (slightly-belated) Oscar Wilde Day, in that order. Noticed that Stephen Fry's twittering has caused #oscarwildeday to become twitter's top search term today. Huzzah.

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